Have you ever considered bariatric surgery? My doc looked at me with an anticipatory and knowing glance and my heart started racing. It was still just the two of us there, but all of a sudden it got really loud and the tension was thick and I mumbled “…ummm, no?”. I think I started holding my breath. She’s been my primary doctor for over 10 years now and we have great rapport. I can tell her anything. I was taken aback at the question after joking just moments before about how healthy I am outside of my largeness. I didn’t hear much else after that sentence came out of her mouth. I was having an out-of-body experience. She handed me some papers and scribbled some things down and asked me to think about it. I checked out and waved to her and the nurses. When I got back in the car I immediately opened my TikTok app and searched #bariatricsurgery. I sat there for 30 minutes scrolling and listening to women and men talk about their Bariatric journeys and the only regret they had was not doing it sooner.
I’m not going to lie, I was offended by the question. I thought we were good and had accepted that I was just going to live my life in a larger body. As long as I was ‘healthy’ I was fine with that. I’ve never had self-image issues or low self-esteem, but I was just aware of how my body looks and lived my life accordingly. I have impeccable style and it’s always a topic of conversation with my friends or even strangers complimenting me in public.
Even though I was offended, I was still wildly curious. Was this the key to the thing I secretly wanted for my entire adult life – to be thin? I felt embarrassed to even think that thought. I’m super comfortable with who I am, but being a girl who loves a good outfit – I want access to the life that a thin body will afford me.
So, in the days following I set up my appointment with the nutritionist at my doctor’s recommendation and anticipated what we would discuss. We talked a lot about my diet and habits and concluded that in fact, my diet was pretty spot on we just needed to watch my sugar intake. We discussed some expectations with the surgery and agreed to monthly weigh-ins pre-op. She made me buy a scale y’all! After the appointment, I continued to do my own research on bariatric surgery and filled my #FYP timeline with story after story and details of what people ate in a day post surgery. I was OBSESSED with learning all the things and convincing myself this is what I wanted. Every waking moment I could spend consuming experiences on social media I did – then I came across a couple of videos of creators that were weight loss coaches. Still intrigued I watched those videos as well. Most of them having had lost a significant amount of their own weight before they set out to help others do the same.
After listening to their stories and journeys I had a thought – can I do this on my own? I’ve failed so many times before. I remember as I was listening to all the Bariatric stories, there was a gut feeling that I wasn’t sure I wanted to permanently change my anatomy via surgery and live the rest of my life on vitamins and only being able to eat a couple of ounces of food at a time. I needed to work on my relationship with food first, because even if I had the surgery there was still a high risk of complications and even gaining the weight back. Then I discovered the calorie deficit.
I’ll post the rest of this story next week and share where I am today on this journey! See ya next week 😉
xo, Siara
